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I cannot be told by another Christian that this is something that I
"chose," or along those lines. Why the hell would anyone choose to live
a life that is so lonesome and leads to nothing but degrading remarks
from most others?
I can also not be told that I need to "pray more" or "become closer to
God." Those who say such things have no idea how much time I spent on
my knees, those nights spent crying and begging God to take this away,
or those nights spent out in the desert just screaming at God at the
top of my lungs for failing to completely make me into this "new
creation" that several of my brothers and sisters in Christ promised
me. No matter how much we pray or how much we read Scripture or how
intimately we try to commune with God, we will never on this earth come
close to the level of intimacy with God that Adam had in the Garden
with God. God and Adam were there, together, talking face to face and
sharing time. Even in that closest intimacy with God that any man has
ever experienced, God still said, "It is not good for man to be alone."
God recognized this need for companionship, for relationship, and held
Adam, His creation, in his heart when he created a partner, Eve, for
him to be with. This was the natural order of things, and I do believe
that heterosexual relationships are the only intended natural order of
things. However, sin did enter this world shortly thereafter, and I
believe that sin has become so entrenched in the very fabric of human
existance that it does cause some people to be born with a different
agenda, a different orientation that is woven into their fabric.
I am one of those people.
I cannot turn from it. Yes, I have heard stories and heard testimonies
of how people have been turned from homosexuality by God's grace. I do
believe that that miraculous redemption from sin was part of God's plan
for some, but not for everyone. I do believe if God had intended to
remove homosexuality from my life that he would have done it by now.
But now I do believe that God has allowed it to remain, to be a
reminder to me of how much I need him and to use as a reminder of how I
can help others. As a Christian homosexual, I think God has called me
to a particular ministry and service that some people will not
understand.
I do not expect them to. It is not for them.
Still, I know there are people who will look at this just now and tell
me it is because of my lack of faith that I am not "healed." They will
say I put God in a box, or I put a time limit on God's work. Oh
anything but, my Brothers and Sisters. I am confident that God can and
will use this in ways that even the most visionary of you cannot and
willnot imagine. And if it is because of a lack of faith, then I must
tell you that, according to Scripture, that is not for you to judge,
not even on the sidelines, disguised as duitful discernment. If one of
you is to claim the gift of prophecy and tell me that God will save me
from this hideous sin, do so fully aware that God's judgement may fall
on you if your words prove in error. No, if it is an issue of lack of
faith then that is something that I will personally be faced by God
about, and which I will be very, very, sorry for. But no less, I do
have redemption in Christ, even if Christ Himself someday points out to
me how things could have been different, had I prayed so intensely just
a little bit longer. But even in all that, in all that lack of faith
that you presume, how then does that justify you, the Church, in your
lack of love? Are you not called to love the least of these? Where will
my relationship with Christ come to your defense when Christ asked you
why you withdrew His love from the people whom you were surrounded?
I do not know if the way my life is going is correct. But I have to
move, and decide what this all means and continue moving, lest I let
Satan wrap my life around his finger even tighter by doing nothing but
contemplating theology and interpetation of Scripture for the rest of
my life.
I would be of no service to anyone.
And it is of a life of service I am called to, not to a life of
judgeing others. Perhaps the homosexual could put his life to better
use then the Pharisee. | | |
| Henri Nouwen used to write spiritual directives to himself on a regular
basis. He was a people's priest, struggled with homosexuality, loved
God to no end, and used his deep well of depression and lonliness to
reach out to others ....
....this one struck me. Again, he's writing to himself:
"You have been wounded in many ways.
The more you open yourself to being healed, the more you will discover
how deep your wounds are .... The great challenge is *living* you
wounds through instead of *thinking* them though. It is better to cry
than to worry, better to feel your wounds deeply than to understand
them, better to let them enter into your silence than to talk about
them. The choice you face constantly is wheather you are taking your
wounds to your head or your heart. In your head you can analyse them,
find their causes and consequences, and coin words to speak and write
about them. But no final healing is likely to come from that source.
You need to let you wounds go down to your heart. Then you can live
through them and discover that they will not destroy you. Your heart is
greater than your wounds."
--Henri Nouwen in "Inner Voice of Love," as quoted by Michael Ford in "Wounded Prophet."
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| I don't think the struggle of homosexuality ... the physical act of it
all ... is really where Satan loops us. I think we -- along with the
majority of Christianity -- get really hung up there. I don't think
that's the real "struggle," when looked at from an eternal perspective.
I think the "struggle" that Satan really loops into us is using our
friends, family, and even the Church to make us think that this problem
should shade all we do in ministry ... and to devote the majority of
our resources, our prayers, and our time to fighting this.
Who the fuck are we as Christians if all we do is spend so much time so
inwardly-focused on an inner problem, when in reality, there are so
many hurting that could use our love.
Peace be with you.
| | |
| A long time ago I opened up ever so slightly around a glass table on
the back porch of a house in east Mesa. It was Wednesday night, and
some of us guys were sitting around after Bible study for some
accountability time. Some of these guys I have only known a short time
-- others like Ed, Crispy, Jim, and Josh I've known for awhile. It was
my turn to talk about my week, and everyone there already knew about my
struggle with homosexuality. Some questions were asked by Ed about what
may have caused this, and the timing of this question was odd, because
I had recently come to expect there were some things, some instances,
that my family just didn't talk about.
Growing up I could already tell we were a family with dark secrets, if
I may be so melo-dramatic about the whole thing. Growing up, whenever
my brother and I asked innocent questions about sex or sexuality or
even what certain words meant when they were uttered on the television,
we would be met with harsh, snapful responses.
But then, about two years ago just before that conversation on the back
porch in Mesa, I began to remember some physical abuse -- memories that
came in short, but powerful emotions and played just like you would
imagine a dark, secluded moment to be played -- as if my brain was
firing off short synapses that pushed their memories to almost instant
visuals in my mind, an effect of having been buried far too long. Last
year, standing in front of my old Garden Grove house with my friend
Issac, short emotions came and went while staring at certain windows,
certain places viewable from outside the house when looking at it from
the street.
I suspected for a long time that the abuse went beyond physical, but
I'm not fully sure if it did, but I'm pretty sure it did. I just don't
know to what degree or length of time, and from whom. I started
uncovering this in my own mind while reading "The Perks of Being A
Wallflower," and it suprised me how I related to some stuff in that
book all too well. I have always tried to dismiss the possibility of
these notions when they make their way to the surface of my brain,
possibly dismissing it as imagination. But while I do have a powerful
and over active imagination, I always know what's real and what's not
-- what's there that has been buried and what's there that has been
fabricated.
I don't want to deal with this, ever. Blame me and tell me that it will
only make it worst, that this is the root of my homosexual orientation
and that overcoming this will overcome that. But I don't ever want to
deal with this with my family. I don't want to talk to them and bring
this up because I don't ever feel it will lead to anything ever good
ever again. But I may be ready -- some time, to deal with it
internally.
I have been processing alot and thinking alot and drinking alot and
crying alot while working on "Avenue of the Giants." As I work on it,
some times things flash into my mind, little stupid moments and big
significant moments, all things that I have forgotten about.
Tonight, standing in line at the Wal-Mart on Stapley with my cart full
of frozen food, beer, and vegetables, several quick memories just
popped themselves into my brain, and I damn near had an emotional
breakdown right there in the line. My knees actually did go weak for a
second, and I buried my head between my chest and pulled down my beanie
when I could not stop some tears from coming, and keep coming.
Thankfully the line was long and I was alone. But I could not control
my emotions for a good hour, and sat in my car in the parking lot.
Earlier today I had purchased a Simon & Garfunkel c.d. and "The
Sound of Silence," every line, was perfect.
I'm only writing this because I need to get it out.
I keep thinking I need to work through this some more but I need
someone to help me work though it. When this comes up I cry alot and
sometimes throw up. My brain won't let me push it to the back anymore.
I pray but the only prayers are selfish prayers that Christ would come
back today just so this all could be over. For all of us. Is that a
selfish prayer, a negative prayer? I pray that for myself but also for
the check-out girl at Wal-Mart who saw my tear-stained face tonight and
then started crying herself, not being able to control her emotions,
because this morning she just found out her best friend's mom (whose
been like a mom to her) is terminally ill from cancer. We hugged and
held that hug for a bit there beneath the aisles of bulk product and
flourescent lights, her blue vest and my black jacket because we
somehow connected on a level that was human.
And for a moment, the world truly was better, and for a moment, I think
both our prayers were answered in the middle of Wal-Mart.
Thanks for listening.
| | |
| Hey everyone,
I'm going to take a break from blogging for a little while. Sorry for those of you who enjoy reading, I just kind of want some personal time of "silence," if you will, or as much as is possible. Nothing bad is going on, so don't be worried. And I am not depressed or anything. I jumbled alot of things together in the last post -- but I think it can still be clear from that post that I have some thinking to do and some projects to finish up with and some new things to start. But I also do truly feel a call from God at this point in time to just not say anything for a bit -- at least online. I need to spend this time to think and reflect. To be around close friends in meaningful moments. And to think seriously about some future things God is putting on my heart ... to truly seperate some of my own desires from His desires.
I do not say this flipantly or self-righteously, but God is on my heart right now more then He has been in a very long time. And I need to be still and pay attention to that. I feel that sometimes when I process this stuff on the blog, it is good, but that also gets alot of thoughts "out of my head" so to speak -- and I need these thoughts in my head right now. I do believe whatever gifts I have need to be used for God, were given to me for His service. And like I told a friend recently on an AIM conversation, I do not feel called nor accepted to minister to those within the Church anymore, but those outside the Church who feel rejected and unwanted need that grace, and they need someone to share that with them. That it is there, because many of them have not been told about it. So that's on my heart in a way, and something I am going to spend some time praying about, and please join in those prayers if you feel so led. This is one of those times that I just need to be quiet and reverent, even if in the midst of normal daily life.
In the meantime, I hope to see you all around later. Feel free to email me still, if you need to. Peace and much love to you all, and may we all be silent and reverent in the black storms of life.
--William J. Nash-McAdam | | |
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